Writing in the Business World (1)

UNIT 1

Writing in the Business World
Writing gives structure and form to our ideas . In the business world this is done for a purpose : to persuade, recommend, offer advice , give an order , etc. The business text must therefore be easily and quickly read and its
message must be understood exactly as intended. If you learn to recognize and avoid the more common errors of information control , grammar and style, you will achieve this aim.
You will write more confidently and more correctly if you check everything you write. Pay particular attention to the following :
• Appropriate Subject Heading Take care to prepare your reader by introducing the subject appropriately in your subject heading.
• Carefully Organized Information If a reader needs to be persuaded or convinced, your information will need careful planning and organizing.
• Correct Grammar and Spelling Train yourself to check for major grammatical errors, words which are commonly misspelt and sentences which are incomplete.
• Suitable Style and Tone The style and tone must match the message and its reader. You cannot , for example, write a memo to a colleague in the same style and tone as you might use when speaking on the telephone to a
friend.

• Logically Connected Ideas Finally , your ideas must be suitably connected so that the reader can identify related ideas while reading through and gradually understanding the message.
  

Text 1 and Text 2 below clearly show these five aspects of writing in the business world.

Evaluation Exercise 1

In the Field Services Department of the Melbourne Construction Company (MCC), a problem has arisen over the maintenance of company vehicles - work which is carried out by a sub-contractor, the Autocheck Maintenance Company (AMC). Several vehicles have been unavailable for use for long periods because of a deterioration in the quality of AMC's services, and this has caused considerable operational difficulties.
When the MCC Transport Manager heard of the problem, he immediately telephoned the Transport Supervisor and asked him to write a short report detailing the background and extent of the problem. Text 1 is the report
that the Transport Supervisor drafted out. However , knowing that his report writing ability was not particularly good , he asked his secretary to revise it before she typed it up. Text 2 is the report that was finally sent to the
Transport Manager.
Read both of the reports and see if you can identify:
- the changes that the secretary made
- the reasons for making these changes
- the effect of these changes
TO: Transport Manager
FROM: Transport Supervisor (Field Services)
SUBJECT: Services Provided by Autocheck Maintenance Company
DATE : 6.4.01
Ref your phone call about the maintanance of field vehicles. As I said on the phone, in the past couple of months I've noticed that the standard of service which this company provides has got worse and worse and that this has
caused us lots of difficult problems.
Our own maintanance people have done some checks of their own recently and have found that AMC's works have really gone down.
We had two trucks doing nothing since five days because the Autocheck people didn't come out when we called them though it says in their contract that they'll get here inside 24 hrs. and also twice trucks have break down inside of 3 days of Autocheck servicing them.
These are some of the examples of the problems we've been having though before this the work they did on our vehicles was always quite OK.
We've made lots of compleints to the Autocheck Manager about the work Autocheck is doing just now and he's had more than enough chance to tell us why things have got worse but he hasn't replied any of our letters (I've
attached copies) and every time one of our reps tries to get in touch with him either persinnaly face to face or in the phone, he's out.
Bearing all these things in mind, you must have a look at the contract with Autocheck as soon as possible and ask the legal dept. about it.
TO: Michael Jones , Transport Manager
FROM: Peter Blackburn, Transport Supervisor (Field Services)
SUBJECT: Deterioration in Services Provided by the Autocheck Maintenance Company
DATE: 6 April 2001
With reference to our telephone conversation of 5 April concerning the maintenance of field vehicles, 1 would like to confirm that the quality of the services provided by the Autocheck Maintenance Company has deteriorated noticeably during the last few weeks and that this has caused the company a number of difficulties.
Although previously the work done by Autocheck on company vehicles has been quite satisfactory, there have recently been several indications of a
deterioration. To give one example, on two occasions trucks have broken down within three days of receiving a full service. Moreover , two trucks were recently unavailable for use for five days because Autocheck failed to send out a mechanic when we contacted them. This happened despite the fact that their contract states that they will arrive within twenty- four hours of a call.
When this deterioration in service became apparent, MCC mechanics made several inspections of their own, and have confirmed that these are not isolated instances but indications of generally unsatisfactory work.
Frequent complaints have been made to the Autocheck Manager and he has had ample opportunity to explain the deterioration in the quality of Autocheck's services. However, he has failed to reply to our letters (copies
of these are attached) and whenever one of our representatives attempts to contact him, either personally or by telephone, he is always unavailable.
In view of this, it is recommended that the contract with AMC should be examined and that the legal department should be asked what action can be taken against them.
Discussion 1
You will probably notice quickly the first two changes that the secretary made.

1 Subject Heading

By adding the word deterioration at the beginning of the subject heading, she made it a much more precise and accurate summary of the topic of the report.

2 Organization of Information

The way the information in Text 1 was organized was not very logical :
- The writer told us about the inspections which were made by MCC mechanics before he told us why they were necessary . We therefore miss the point, which the secretary makes clear : the two specific problems de-
scribed are only examples of a much more general decline in services.
- The aim of the report is to recommend that legal action should be taken against AMC. The most important piece of information to support this aim is the fact that AMC have broken their contractual obligations. By reversing the order in which the two problems are described , the secretary ensures that this piece of information receives the maximum amount of emphasis , or focus , and thus leads logically into the recommendation . We will be looking again at the idea of linguistic focus in Unit 6.
3 Grammar, Spelling and Sentence Construction
As well as reorganizing the information in the report the secretary also made a number of changes to the language which the writer had used.
You probably noticed that Text 1 contained a number of grammatical and spelling mistakes. If not, look for them now before continuing with this Discussion section.

Grammar

‘AMC’s works have gone down’ AMC’s work has really gone down. (Work is a singular , uncountable noun .)
‘since five days’ for five days (Since is used only with a point of time: since August, since 2001, etc. For a period of time use for.)
‘trucks have break down’ trucks have broken down (The past participle must be used in this construction.)
‘he hasn’t replied any of our letters’ he hasn’t replied to any of our letters (The preposition to is required after the verb replied in this construction.)

Spelling

The writer made spelling mistakes in the following words:
maintenance; complaints; personally
Sentence Construction
The secretary recognized that a phrase introduced by an expression like With reference to or Further to is not a complete sentence, and must be continued by another idea:
Further to your request for two additional staff ,
introductory phrase comma
authorisation has now been received to recruit for these posts.
main idea
Tasks 1 and 2 will give you practice in identifying correct sentence construction.
If you did not notice any of the mistakes then your own letters and reports may also be going out with mistakes in them. Mistakes in grammar or spelling create a bad impression of your own or your company's efficiency. It is very important to revise your work thoroughly in order to identify and eradicate these mistakes.
TASK 1 Sentence Construction
1 Are the following sentences complete (and therefore acceptable)?
a) Because he is regularly absent.
b) When he left the company.
c) Sometimes Ivan behaves badly.
d) Although Pedro is a competent worker .
e) After the shift he went straight home.
f) Before a decision is made.
g) When does the shift start?
h) Work cannot begin until power is restored.
i) I request further information on this matter .
2 Rewrite the following short texts putting in full stops, commas, and capital letters.

the six gulf states recently celebrated the twentieth anniversary of their strategic grouping this was formed to realize the region 's economic strength on 25 may 1981 the heads of state of six gulf countries met in abu dhabi to sign an agreement establishing the gcc the aim was to achieve coordination integration and harmony between the member states

the decision by parrot who hopes to create more than 450 jobs illustrates dramatically the benefits that wales can offer to foreign investors from both sides of the atlantic before deciding on wales the company considered locations in the silicon valley california the irish republic and several european countries

husky oil is planning to increase the capacity at its ontario heavy oil refinery the estimated cost of the project is still unknown completion is scheduled for late 2001.

4 Levels of Formality

One important change that the secretary made was to alter the level of formality of the report. In writing Text 1, the Transport Supervisor used much the same language as he probably did when speaking to the Transport Manager on the telephone, and at some points the report reflects conversational English quite closely. However, conversational English, and the more formal type of written English used in business correspondence are not identical: there are different choices of grammar and vocabulary to
be made. These will be discussed in greater detail in Unit 3 Developing a Style for Business Writing. For now, just note a few of the changes that the secretary made.

Vocabulary

Compare the choices of vocabulary made by the Transport Supervisor and his secretary. The Transport Supervisor has chosen vocabulary suitable to an informal conversational style. His secretary has chosen alternative words or phrases which have the same meaning , but which are either neutral or formal in style.
Text 1 Text 2
got worse and worse deteriorated
lots of a number of
OK satisfactory
doing nothing unavailable for use
more than enough chance ample opportunity
get in touch contact

Abbreviations

Text 1 uses a lot of abbreviations. In Text 2 these are avoided an the full form of the word or phrase is given :
Text l Text 2
Ref With reference to
phone telephone
hrs hours
reps representatives

Contractions

One reflection of the spoken language found in Text 1 is the use of contractions - I've, they'll, we've, he's. In Text 2 these are avoided and the full form is used - they will, he has, he is, etc.

Personal versus Impersonal Language

As a general rule , the more formal a report is, the less personal reference it will contain , i.e. the less use of personal pronouns such as I, we, you, our, etc. In general you should use personal reference in written business
communication only when you really want to emphasise the role of the writer or reader. Where it adds nothing to the meaning of the report it should be avoided. Compare Text 1 to Text 2:

Text 1 Text 2

this has caused us this has caused the company
our own maintenance people MCC mechanics
we had two trucks doing nothing two trucks were recently unavailable for use
our vehicles company vehicles
we've made lots of complaints frequent complaints have been made
you must have a look at the contract the contract with AMC should be examined
However, notice that Text 2 does not avoid personal reference completely. It is retained when the writer wishes to emphasise his own role or that of the readers:
'Further to our telephone conversation ... I would like to confirm that...'

Redundancy

The writer has several times included words or phrases that are unnecessary because they add nothing to the reader's understanding:
- difficult problems (all problems are difficult)
- We've made lots of complaints to the Autocheck Manager about the work Autocheck is doing just now. (needless repetition)
- personally face to face (these two expressions mean the same thing and the second is therefore unnecessary)
This use of unnecessary repetition, or redundancy, adds nothing to the report and can distract the reader's attention away from the main points.

5 Sentence Connection

The final way in which the secretary has revised the report is in indicating how the different ideas are connected or related. We have already seen that in Text 2 the secretary makes the report much easier to follow by providing a more logical sequence of ideas. However, she also ensures that the reader understands how those ideas fit together by including a number of words or phrases which explicitly point out the connections between them. In the above extract from Text 2, the connectives are underlined:
Although, previously the work done by Autocheck on company vehicles has been quite satisfactory, there have recently been several indications of a deterioration. To give one example, on two occasions trucks have broken down within three days of receiving a full service. Moreover, two trucks were recently unavailable for use for five days because Autocheck failed to send out a mechanic when we contacted them. This happened despite the fact that their contract states that they will arrive within twenty-four hours of a call.
Look at the underlined words and phrases. You will note that each of them has a particular function in the text:
- Although and despite the fact that suggest that one of the two ideas is surprising or unexpected in relation to the other .
- To give one example introduces an example.
- Moreover suggests that the following idea is in some way the same as the preceding idea.
- because introduces a reason .
More practice is given in identifying the meaning of connectives in Task 2. We will look at them in more detail in Unit 6.
TASK 2 Sentence connection
Choose which of (a), (b) and (c) would be likely to follow the sentence and connective in each example.
1 One advantage of the new scheme is its cost effectiveness. Moreover,...
a) it is likely to be extremely well accepted by the workforce.
b) it is unlikely to be popular with the workforce.
c) I recommend that it should be adopted.
2 One advantage of the new scheme is its cost effectiveness. However,...
a) it is likely to be extremely well accepted by the workforce.
b) it is unlikely to be popular with the workforce.
c) I recommend that it should be adopted.
3 There was an unusually high rate of absence in March , due to the 'flu epidemic. As a result,...
a) in April, the absence rate was back to normal.
b) production dropped by 3 per cent on the previous month's figures .
c) difficulty was encountered in obtaining supplies of raw materials.
4 The manufacturers could be asked to send a representative to train company employees in the use of the machine on site. Alternatively,...
a) this would be the most cost effective solution.
b) they might be unable to send anyone in the near future.
c) selected employees could be sent to the manufacturer's headquarters in Switzerland.

Review

In this unit you were introduced to the importance of:
• formulating an appropriate subject heading
• carefully organizing your information
• making sure that your grammar and spelling are correct
• using a style and tone to suit your reader
• using connectives to relate your ideas logically

Review Exercises

1 You have been asked to write short reports on the following ideas. What subject heading will you give?
a) You have carried out a safety inspection of a residential building , Gordon Towers, and found several things to be wrong. You must write to the man in charge , telling him to rectify these by a certain date.
b) You have to produce a monthly progress report about one of the trainees, John Baker , in your department.
c) There is a problem with the transport bringing and taking shift workers to and from work. You have been asked to investigate the situation and make some suggestions.
2 Paul Beard is the Office Manager of BuildRite Construction Company. He wishes to change the office filing system. The main information of a report he is planning to write to the General Manager, to propose these changes, is given below. How would you organize this information?
a) Examination of two modern systems and their possible application to BCC.
b) Investigation of the existing system highlighting main drawbacks.
c) The cost of the two modern systems.
d) Recommendations to install the proposed system.
e) The disadvantages of the existing system given the present workload.
3 Grammatical points raised in this unit frequently cause problems for the business writer:
a) Rewrite the following sentences correctly:
(i) None of the letters were given the Office Manager.
(ii) Our Legal Department have been investigating this matter since two months.
(iii) The secretary has broke the typewriter.
(iv) The entire problem must be looked up before a decision is made.
(v) Although this is a very useful machine to have in the office. The cost is too high.
b) Rewrite the following words correctly:
recomendation perticularly recieve mentenance acheive secretery acommodation occuring
conscencious sinserely
4 When Paul Beard of BuildRite Construction Company eventually wrote the report to his boss recommending a new office filing system, his secretary had to correct the style and tone of the following sentences. How would you have rewritten these sentences?
a) You must examine the attached brochures.
b) I recommend that we install the XQ2 system immediately.
c) We've got to get rid of the present system.
d) The above-mentioned subject needs to be considered.
e) The undersigned is of the opinion that the XQ2 system is the one which we ought to be giving serious consideration to for the purposes of purchasing from the dealer who stocks them.
5 Connect the following ideas using suitable connectives:
a) Paulo is a very good worker.
Paulo has been in jail for the past six months.
b) The safety boots are well below standard.
The rubber gloves are unsuitable.
c) A crane could be bought.
The possibility of hiring a crane should be considered.
d) This concludes the advantages of the OX2 system.
The LT3 system is a comparatively modern product.
e) The applicant was not selected.
The applicant was unable to convince the panel that he knew how to operate the system.