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Bullying

In march 2000 an honour-roll student named Hamed Nastoh jumped off the Pattullo Bridge in New Westminster , B.C. Hamed, 14, left a seven-page note that said he was killing himself because his classmates tormented him with names like gay or faggot. He had never told his mother he was being bullied.
A few months later, on November 10, another 14- year -old, Dawn -Marie Wesley of Mission, B.C., hanged herself with a dog leash in her bedroom. She too left a note for her family. It read: “If I try to get help, it will get worse . They are always looking for a new person to beat up, and they are the toughest girls .If I ratted, there would be no stopping them . I love you all so much!”
Most Canadians remember the tragic 1997 murder of Reena Virk, a high-school student whose battered body was recovered from the Gorge Waterway, near Victoria. Her head and internal organs had been severely damaged by a beating that rendered her senseless before she was deliberately drowned. One girl and a boy were convicted of second- degree murder, and six girls were found guilty of aggravated assault. Her death is an example of bullying taken to its ultimate expression. But even in its mildest everyday forms , bullying is about one thing : the strong taking unfair advantage of the weak .
Bullying has been defined as “the tendency for some children to frequently oppress, harass or intimidate other children, verbally, physically or both , in and out of school.”
It is not the minor behaviour problems that are a part of growing up, such as horseplay, occasional good -natured teasing or even the odd physical scrap between children of equal strength.
The most common form is name- calling . Children call others names for many reasons: because the other child is short or fat, is of a different skin colour , or has a lisp, a stutter or a physical disability. Maybe he is a slow learner or wears clothes that differ from the run of the mill. Victims are often smaller or weaker than average , or shy and insecure.
Boys bully more than girls, and the tormenting is more often physical. Debra J. Pepler of the LaMarsh Centre for Research on Violence and Conflict Resolution at York University has reported that 23 percent of boys surveyed said they had engaged in bullying, compared to only eight percent of girls.
Among victims, however , both genders were equally affected . With girls, bullying often takes more subtle forms, such as whispering campaigns, spreading rumours and shunning—acts designed to destroy friendships. This can be every bit as painful as physical aggression. Many parents are unaware that it is happening because they never discuss it with their kids and because bullying is often a kind of underground activity that many children won’t report .
Most bullying takes place in and around school and is often reinforced by an audience . In one study , 120 hours of video surveillance in Toronto schools showed that in over 20 percent of bullying, peers actively reinforced bullying by physically or verbally joining in the aggression. In 54 percent of cases , they reinforced the bully by watching but not joining in. In only 25 percent of cases did peers support the victim.
How common is bullying? Toronto’s Board of Education has documented that in grades 4 to 8, one child in five was victimized periodically, while one in 12 was bullied weekly or daily .
How can you tell if your child is being bullied? Most schoolchildren won’t tell you, often because they are afraid of reprisals. But certain symptoms should make you suspicious. These include unexplained reluctance to go to school; fearfulness or unusual anxiety ; sleep disturbances and nightmares; vague physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches), especially on school days ; or belongings that come home ripped or are missing altogether.
If you suspect your child may be a victim, it’s best not to ask the question outright. Dr. Sarah Shea, director of the Child Development Clinic at the IWK Health Centre in Halifax, suggests: “Ask your child indirectly how he or she is spending lunch hour ; or what it’s like walking to school, walking home or taking the school bus. Ask if there are any children at school who are bullies, without personalizing it. And when you meet with teachers, ask how they deal with conflict when it occurs. If you are certain your child is being bullied, let the school know that you take it seriously, and ask what can be done to help.”
Some parents find it embarrassing to learn that their child is being bullied. But a few simple rules make it a lot easier to deal with:
• Be a good listener. Stay calm, and give your child plenty of time to tell you how he or she feels. Make it clear it’s not your child’s fault . Above all, don’t suggest your child simply fight back. That may increase your child’s chances of further victimization. Some children are nonaggressive by nature , and you can’t change that.
• Don’t overreact. Ask yourself, is this serious enough to discuss with the teacher ? With the principal? With the police ?
• Help your child avoid the situations that expose him or her to bullying. If it occurs on the way to or from school, find a safe route and arrange for an older child companion. Also, point out places the child can go for help. Finally , let the school authorities know if there is a problem, and keep a written record of incidents and who was involved.